Perspective Short

 

Sorry, there’s really no room up here for you in my head

 

Her teeth started to chatter. She was doing that thing where she rubbed all her fingers together and held them really stiff at her sides. I knew it then that she was trying to get business from me, not just looking for a sloppy, drunken bonding moment. Regardless, she still looked ridiculous in her serious attempt to appear nonchalant.  

“You’re telling me that you’ve told me more than five major lies?” She put extra emphasis on the ‘five,’ saying it with a little huff at the end. She laughed. It came out mostly tense.

I stayed silent and busied myself in finding the things I needed to go to bed. We were in our room getting ready to go to bed after a long night of White Claws and one too many shared stories of past hookups; I really couldn’t empathize with her right now. Not that I could most days.

I don’t remember how we got to the topic of my honesty as a human being, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care that some of our friendship was built on my lies. I lied to everyone, even my family. It was just who I was. She liked this version of me that I had crafted. “Cassie’s Liv.” It’s how I’ve always lived, being the perfect counterpart to my closest relationships, even if that wasn’t a true reflection of who I am. She should be grateful that the version I let her see was probably the most authentic representation.

Damn, I really was a fake.

“Come on seriously?” She read right through my silence. Shit. I can feel my cheeks heating up, better act like I can’t find my contact solution. I always knew that she wasn’t going to underestimate me like my less observant friends, but she was such a trusting person. It was easy to manipulate her.

Not that I wanted to manipulate my best friend, it’s just who I was. I am a self-diagnosed narcissist. It only took me a couple of years to realize that everyone’s world doesn’t revolve around themselves, least of all Cassie’s world. She was much too much of a pacifist. Always conceding to do whatever everyone else wanted. Only could she stand up for herself when her values were at stake. And then her teeth would start to chatter. Wearing her heart on her sleeve like some kind of Disney protagonist.

She rushed to fill the silence I had let go on to long; I was good at that – letting the silence stretch.

“Liv, I have to know. I know you told me you were adopted and that wasn’t true.” She switched tactics, that one was definitely a weak starting point, “You don’t even have to tell me the lies. But there’s that many major ones? I can’t think of one thing I’ve ever told you that wasn’t true.”

Knowing her, she probably meant that. It could’ve even been true.

I needed to shut this down before her feelings got too hurt. I knew she would remember this the next morning whether or not she had drank too much. I just didn’t realize how much she had questioned our friendship in secret sobriety. I started replaying the conversations that had led up to this one. Had one of my careful snide marks gone too far? Perhaps she saw through my façade anyways. I really shouldn’t be drinking either. I always got a little transparent. But just how transparent? I smoothed my facial features into one mask of calm and focused on my routine.

“Cass, I don’t know. I really do have to go to bed though.” She looked crestfallen. Her teeth had stopped chattering, but her eyes shone. I really, really hope she doesn’t remember this. I don’t want to have to do any damage control tomorrow.

I glanced up as I gathered my contact solution that had been in the same bag it always was. She really didn’t look like she was going to let this go. Her blunt display of emotions made me uncomfortable. I looked away.

“Cassie! I need your advice,” our other housemate Megan burst in. Leave it to melodramatic Meg to save the day. She stopped in the doorway, pausing to look between Cassie and I. I knew outwardly, I looked completely composed, like I was getting ready for bed for any other night.

Cassie sighed and walked out with her. I could hear them talking in the hallway, Megan had had some altercation with the neighbors.

Finally, I could sleep in peace. 

  

 

My perspective prewrite:

 

She had told me more than five major lies! Major! She wasn’t even denying it.

I really didn’t know where to begin with her. I told her everything. She was always there to help me when I needed or had any kind of emotional issue. She was literally one of the most level-headed people I knew.

To share so much truth with someone who shared so little truth with you, hurt. Definitely hurt. And here she was pretending I didn’t exist and ignoring all the important questions.