Memories and the 'Outside'

 

Throughout our discussion on memories, it has been very surprising to me how interesting a topic it is. It was never something I thought about, but now that I am pondering my first memories the idea behind how memories and our perception of them shape us as adults is intriguing.  

In "Why be Happy When You Could be Normal" by Winterson the most interesting part of the story came from the bridge between her childhood and how she treated people in her life. Winterson describes how she created relationships, she would wait until someone was really close to her and really like her. Then, she would 'catch her off guard' and tell the person she did not want to be their friend. She describes how the tears and the confusion that would be displayed from the other person would give her triumphant joy, leaving her feeling satisfied and in control. Until later when the remorse would set in that she had once again put herself on the 'outside'. 

The notion she references many times throughout the piece as 'the outside' is very telling of her self destructive behavior. Subconsciously, she sabotages herself  because when she was growing up and being abused it forced her to alienate herself from the rest of the world. So when she gets close to someone she self destructs, forcing herself to be alienated again because it is all she knows. However, then she is stuck in a never ending loop of deep down knowing the outside is not really where she wants to be. 

In the second piece "The Art of Memoir" my most favorite line is, "Memory is a pinball in a machine — it messily ricochets around between image, idea, fragments of scenes, stories you've heard." The image that that metaphor paints is so powerful. Memory is very hard to put into words and that does a beautiful job. Memory is fleeting. Have you ever sat there trying to recall something specific?  You sit there and the image, and the idea, and the fragments all come together, and sometimes you cant decipher what is real and what is not. I wonder if that is a mechanism your body has developed to save you from pain, but then what if it is blocking joy?